January 2023: The following post is a look into my thoughts about 2 1/2 years ago. Even though, I'm almost finished with college now. I still wanted to post this gem for those that are about to go to college and may find themselves in the same season I was. The Lord was working then and continues to work now.
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Summer 2020
As seasons change and time passes, I find myself coming into a new season in life. Right now, I am sort of in an in-between phase. A phase where I am not quite ready to let go of my past, but completely ready to embrace my future at the same time. For a long time, I didn't know what my future would be. There was so much torment and uncertainty about my future and what it holds. After all, how am I supposed to know where I want to go for college next year?
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This was the question boggling around in my mind. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to stay at home and go to a community college or move away to a university? For many, these questions are easy. They just pick a place and go. But, for me, I struggled with every "what if." What if I chose the wrong place and hated it? If I stayed at home, would I long for more independence? What if I go to a university and go into tons of student debt? All my questions, concerns, and fears eventually made me settle for community college. It wasn't that I fully wanted to go. I just thought I was out of time, but that reason along with many others were only excuses to push back my fears.
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If I am honest, I just wanted God to tell me exactly where he wanted me. I wanted him to say "Kaitlyn, do this." If he didn't say anything, I was going to community college. I learned God is not a God who does what we want. He is a wise God who does what is best. God didn't tell me what he wanted me to do for a very long time, so I settled. I felt that I was on my own.
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I assumed I was doing the right thing because I heard nothing from God. I believe now that I was wrong. I believe God's silence was because of my lack of trust. I didn't trust Him to take care of all my worries and fears. I was only relying on my own human strength to take care of everything, so like always, God rocked my world. He got my attention when I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself with an abundance of scholarships at a university I wanted to attend.
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"What now God? What do you want me to do with this money? Does this mean I need to go? I am utterly lost." These are the words I remember writing in my prayer journal. What does this mean for me, God? I started re-evaluating the college. Everything was coming at me in a different, positive light. My love for that school was rekindled as I researched it more. Slowly, all my fears started drifting away. I stopped being afraid about distance and independence. Even now, I feel that God is laying everything into place for me to be able to attend that school next year.
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I can't say that I am not afraid of moving to college. That would be an utter lie. I do, however, have a new found trust that no matter what, God will be with me. I just have to listen. He has gotten me this far. I don't believe He will forsaken me now. Whatever this year holds, I will come at it with courage in Christ. He has directed me toward this change. Now, all I can do is completely trust him.
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Trust can be a difficult thing. God asks us to trust someone we can't see, Him. When we trust ourselves, we can only see a little thread. We see a single color maybe even a small part of the picture we call life. God sees everything. He sees the future, the past, our thoughts, our choices, our sins, and our desires. He sees the big, expansive mural as a whole. Trusting ourselves might help us survive in this world, but trusting God will allow us to thrive!
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"What now God? What do you want me to do with this money? Does this mean I need to go? I am utterly lost." These are the words I remember writing in my prayer journal. What does this mean for me, God? I started re-evaluating the college. Everything was coming at me in a different, positive light. My love for that school was rekindled as I researched it more. Slowly, all my fears started drifting away. I stopped being afraid about distance and independence. Even now, I feel that God is laying everything into place for me to be able to attend that school next year.
~
I can't say that I am not afraid of moving to college. That would be an utter lie. I do, however, have a new found trust that no matter what, God will be with me. I just have to listen. He has gotten me this far. I don't believe He will forsaken me now. Whatever this year holds, I will come at it with courage in Christ. He has directed me toward this change. Now, all I can do is completely trust him.
~
Trust can be a difficult thing. God asks us to trust someone we can't see, Him. When we trust ourselves, we can only see a little thread. We see a single color maybe even a small part of the picture we call life. God sees everything. He sees the future, the past, our thoughts, our choices, our sins, and our desires. He sees the big, expansive mural as a whole. Trusting ourselves might help us survive in this world, but trusting God will allow us to thrive!
Love,
Kaitlyn
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